Lexa’s Guide to the End of Life

        This is the end of your life. Considering that it’s the end of your life, you're probably between 80 and 200,000 years old. Or you're a 13 year old girl who is reading this through her tears over her latest “world-shattering break-up” and “no one to understand her”. Assuming that you're the first option, please take the time to ease into this simple guide on the end of life.

1. You can do anything you want.

           Let’s face the facts: you're old. Probably. Maybe you've been waiting for this moment your whole life because you finally can show the world that you have no shame and you hate wearing pants and just because it is the end of your life, they might understand. Maybe you've been dreading it, and you find yourself wishing more and more that you were young again. Or maybe you're still a 13 year old reading this to take your mind off your "problems".

 Anyway, when you reach a certain point in your life, the end of it, you can do anything because when else are you going to do it if you haven’t already? You can  decide not to wear pants, you can buy as many bottles of toothpaste as you want to use as an alternative to pepper spray, make jams with marijuana and name them in Latin or pretend to worship Satan. (Or actually worship Satan, if you've wanted to try it your whole life.)

2. You may experience difficulty moving, breathing, talking, remembering etc. 

          This isn't really a perk of being old or the end of life, but hey, at least you’re not a 13 year old girl reading articles about the end of life when you probably have between 30 and 4,000 years left who wears stiletto heels and spells like an illiterate. But, maybe you experience some of the problems mentioned above, and maybe just your peers experience it. Either way, take it as an excuse to ride around in fancy moving chairs and terrorize young people. Terrorizing young people is fun, even if you only remember it for three seconds. You can finally ignore/be an awful human being to that one person that has constantly been around your whole life (or nine months after that condom broke) who has always been a bit of a jerk. You can change the subject of the conversation when they talk to you by pretending you don’t hear a thing they’re saying. Like what if someone won’t shut up about politics when all you want to talk about it Godzilla, just loudly mention Godzilla while cupping your ear.

3. Terrorize young people for fun and eat anything you want.

    Okay, the last part is not for everyone, (but for that 13 year old; comfort food is great for those “issues”) but even as a young person, terrorizing my peers is hilarious. Seriously, some of us are awful and isn't it always amazing and fun when those awful people are scared of an old lady or man wearing a penguin suit in a Segway happily singing a mix of modern and older pop songs, occasionally chanting Latin, chasing them through Wal-Mart? And if you really want to scare them, throw soft items like bread and mention something like 50 Shades of Grey and how much you hated the ending or complain about how you can’t eat solid food anymore.

4. You can set up things like treasure hunts to make your relatives, friends, neighbors, and/or the police find things you've left behind. 

          Things like your retirement money or your porn collection. The disadvantage of this is, assuming you set it up for after you have died, you won’t get to see anyone’s reactions (like the shriek of “OMG” from that 13 year old) when they find what’s underneath the “X” marking the spot or to the other surprises you have planned along the way. You can set up surprises like a sudden trigger that sets off heavy metal (or Justin Bieber, which ever you think will be scarier) that continually plays throughout the duration of the treasure hunt. Or you could go for stuffing your fridge full of Skittles (or cocaine) that spills out at them when they open the door. Of course, you could also set a treasure hunt up before you die and watch through a webcam or from the rooftop of the house next door.

5. You have been alive for this long. 
           Congratulate yourself. You can take this opportunity to do things you've never done before and finally finish your bucket list. Or start a bucket list, if you've never had one before. You can do things like skydiving, driving 100 miles per hour in an abandoned area smoking marijuana, bungee jumping, or streaking. (Maybe not the last one if you live near sensitive people.) Maybe if you’re 13 you should try this too, starting with realizing it’s not the end of your life. Really, why are you still reading this?

6. People will take you seriously. 
          Usually. Now that it’s the end of life, you can say things like “When I was a boy/girl . . .” and “Back in my day . . .” and tell someone a long lost story you've been meaning to tell for 77 years. Like the one time you ran over a police officer to get out of a ticket. Or when you got your best friends sister pregnant and how you now have a secret child. Anyway, now is your chance to tell some kid you've “mistaken” as your grandson your favorite long, plot-twisting, and unwritten (possible plagiarized), science fiction novel involving aliens and space monkey’s. And if you happen to be the “mistaken” or biological grandchild of someone telling you a story, you probably did something, or will do something, to deserve it.

*Not to be taken seriously. I am not responsible for any injuries, deaths or legal issues that arise during any participation of this guide.